brand new start (?)

I should have realized about it a long time ago. I felt completely alone and numb, yet you would not even ask what was going with me. My mind was dark. I was only thinking about whether I should cut my arm and whether I would feel better. I knew that you were still happy no matter what I had been through. I did not blame you to be happy, but I did blame you for why you were so ignorant. I did blame myself too for hoping that an ignorant person would care about me.

I feel silly. I feel so silly. I feel weak. I feel vulnerable. I feel like it is not the real me. The real me would not be as stupid as this. But I could not really hold myself responsible. My feelings were and are valid.

I don't know what will I do after writing this. I don't know whether I will be okay or getting sadder but I know the persons that I can count on. Just not that one.

chameleon

Aku ga kebayang kalau misal aku jadi psikolog. Karena tiap kali orang cerita, it feels like I'm drowning to their story. Sedihnya mereka sedihnya aku juga. Terutama ketika aku belum selesai dengan diriku sendiri. Apalagi kalau misal temenku cerita dia menyakiti tubuhnya sendiri, atau melakukan percobaan bunuh diri. Ya, dikit banyak itu pasti mempengaruhi aku. Kayak aku pasti mikir, dia yang sekuat itu pengen ngelakuin itu, aku yang selemah ini gimana. Jadi, ngelawan pikiran-pikiran itu sendirian susah banget. Aku tidak menyalahkan temanku cerita, aku lega dia cerita malah.

It just that I wish I could be stronger for myself, then for them.

was it

you asked them to burn your body

you left me your ashes

i was looking for your soul

was it scatter there

was it on the sky above

am I gonna see and feel you through the cold of the wind,

the smell of the rain,

or the beautiful sky up there

you only left your ashes

and thousands of thoughts and questions.

was it hurt

was it hurt when they burn your body and turn it into ashes

was it hurt when you would not have the chance to know about my present.

Period Stories, My Fitness Level, Study Stuff, and Others

Boys are -of course- welcome to read, although I’m pretty sure you are going to just skip it. And I don't care.

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When I was an undergrad, I experienced an extremely painful period cramp. My lower back also in pain, and I had a headache too sometimes. The pain was only 1-3 days, but I’m sick of it because I had to deal it monthly. Sometimes I even cried because I couldn’t bear it.