Long Covid? Maybe.

Buat yang pernah tahu rasa sakitnya pas asam lambung kambuh, pasti tahu how hurt it is. It has happened to me a couple of times after I got covid, and no, I did not have GERD before then.

Bahkan beberapa hari lalu I was hospitalised because it was hurt too much. Tapi, yang aku rasain sama aja. Entah di-infus, obat suntik, minum obat tidur, yang namanya kambuh ya kambuh. I cannot do anything besides hurting. Ya, sounds dramatic, but that's how I felt.

Aku tidak tahu apakah ini karena covid. Dokter spesialis dalam bilang nggak, sedangkan dokter yang nanganin aku covid bilang ya. Aku cukup shock sih, dengan kondisi fisik-ku yang sekarang, karena aku harus merubah pola makan dengan cukup drastis.

Anyway, aku ngga bermaksud buat nagging di sini. It just that, tadi sehabis aku pulang dari Amstirdam, aku lihat beberapa orang tidur di depan ruko yang sudah tutup— dengan baju dan selimut apa adanya. I can't express how I felt about that.

Se-sakit-sakitnya yang aku rasain, I think I'm still lucky. At least, I can cry at my own bed and I have my warm blanket. I can call my boyfriend, or wake my mom. I have my meds. I can eat good food. But, how about people who have to sleep on the streets. Mungkin itu kenapa God give me this pain, because maybe I can hold it, but not those people.

Yeah, well, setiap orang ada struggle-nya masing-masing.

Covid-19 Diary: Ketika Negatif adalah Hal yang Positif

I was tested negative on Monday (12/06). I was glad and I thought it was over. I thought I could jog in the next day, do the cardio, tone up, and do all of the exercises that I like. I did not jog since forever–– since I felt on my motorcycle and I broke my left toe. I missed all of that.

Yet, as humans, we can only plan things, the rest is up to God. At this point in my life, though my antigen swab showing that I'm negative, I need to be patient and slowly regain my strength. Sometimes life sucks, but I need to suck it up.

I got gastric acid since covid.

Covid-19 Diary: Temporary Anosmic

Kami punya group WhatsApp yang isinya terdiri dari relawan dan penyintas Covid. Di group ini at least ada 1-2 orang baru tiap hari, which means, emang corona jenis delta ini penularannya sangat cepat. Dan dari aku masuk, 5 hari lalu, baru 1 orang yang sembuh dari covid. Tiap hari kami harus laporan gejala apa saja yang muncul, misalnya batuk, pilek, diare, dan lain-lain. Semua yang di sini memang bergejala ringan, and most of us is anosmic. Hanya beberapa yang indera penciuman dan pengecapannya normal.

For me, finally, my cough has started to go away in the last two days, but it is not completely gone. I got a fever at night. I'm okay so far, but I'm anosmic. Kena covid ngajarin aku gimana caranya survive tanpa ngecium bau, toh cuman beberapa hari atau minggu. Sekarang aku baru tahu gimana rasanya jadi orang-orang yang beneran anosmia dari lahir.

COVID-19 Diary: I Wanna Puke, Literally

Not a lot of people write about their experience on covid, I guess. So, here I am. I have got nothing to do, my doctor said I should not think much about work, so I would love to write here to kill time.

First off, I'm not sure whether my symptoms began on Tuesday or Thursday. On Tuesday (22/06), I felt ill, but it was a usual ill because I just felt like I was exhausted. I think my immune system had decreased since then because I did not feel as healthy as usual. I got a bit dizzy on Wednesday and also lack of sleep because I needed to go to the airport in the witching hour. I was back in Malang on Thursday morning and worked in the afternoon. I got a cough and flu on Thursday. Then, I felt completely sick on Friday, but I decided to go to work because I thought I still could make it and it was just my usual sick (because we got sick sometimes right).

The symptoms got worse on Sunday, though I still went out to have a cuppa with some friends (my friends got tested after I told them that I'm positive, I'm glad they are negative). Dad told me to go to the doctor on Tuesday if I'm not getting better. I prepared myself for the worst on Monday night. When I result of the test is positive, I was like, akhirnya kena juga. It didn't shock me because I prepared myself.

Amor Fati

I like the idea of fatum brutum amor fati that we need to love our fate and live our life completely. I did not understand that I did not fully make the sense of it until I met an amor-fati person. Anyway, I just found out recently that it is Nietzsche's quote.

The book that I've been reading basically said hope is one of the things that fucked our life. How many times we hope our crush to love us back but they don't. We hope our friends to not to leave us but we end up going separate ways. We hope we can get straight A in every course that we have but we don't. Sometimes our hopes are what killed us. I do not ask you to not to hope because I'm feeling like I sorta-kinda giving a bad vibe, but it is just an uncomfortable truth.

We don't hope for a better life. We simply be a better life.

Amor fati means we need to live at present. Life should be as simple as that but we human is the most sophisticated matter in the universe and sometimes we don't want simple. I don't want simple. I think about my past often. I think about my future. And these pieces of stuff contribute to my insecurities. When I came to think why the universe brings my boyfriend and me together is perhaps because he is the amor-fati guy while I am a planner person.

Sometimes I feel like I know my boyfriend––sometimes I don't. Yet the more I have a conversation with him the more I know about him. I reckon that he pretty much lives to that quote, although I believe even if he knows about the quote, he doesn't really know about what does it means. And after spending time with him today, okay, he is an amor-fati person.

I wonder about those people who put fatum brutum amor fati on their bio, clothes, vehicles, helmets, etc. Are you guys also really live at the present?